A glimpse of clarity

 

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After a tea break, I return to my office only to find the most awaited mail. I open it eagerly to see whether I received an admit or at least an invite to attend the interview. My application got turned down. Yes, I got “the reject” from one of the most coveted universities in Germany. I don’t understand German, hence I have no idea as to why I got a reject. I delete the mail, to save myself from the emotional repercussions that may occur.

Staring blankly into my laptop I try to reason out everything that happened. I try to find my fault in the whole scenario. After fifteen minutes of a useless over thinking ritual, I decided to watch something to divert my mind. I choose a TED talk. I listen to it impatiently. I am unable to comprehend the words the speaker delivered. She spoke about how it was ok to not have a plan. How it was ok to pursue what you like than tread the conventional path. The song she performed at the beginning of the talk struck a chord in my brain. The tune replayed at the back of my head. I slowly returned to the present, letting my failure sink in, forgiving myself, loving myself. I saw for once, what it actually was.

I realized that the admit was not the most important thing in my life. I did not even want to pursue Masters except for the fact that it let me stay in a foreign land. I wanted to experience it only due to peer pressure. My classmates from college left to pursue masters, my school friends followed suit, I too wanted to leave. I fail to see a purpose of the higher degree. I want to write, I want to dance, I want to bake beautiful cakes. I did not want to be a data scientist at all. I did not want to stay without my parents to learn about life. Maybe I am not stepping out my comfort zone, maybe I end up as a total failure; I don’t care. Because at least now I consciously know what I want.

What I can see vividly is, my future etched by what I chose to do because of my will rather than somebody else’s. I open the trash in my mailbox and retrieve the rejection mail. I want that as a souvenir of my last induced decision. I write back saying a thank you to the department who put the effort to go through my application. I enroll myself into dance class and baking class, and I sit here writing this blog. Sometimes all it takes is a reject to turn your life around. I sincerely hope this is mine ūüôā

 

The Farewell!

“You get married to¬†a¬†tree!”, joked my colleague searching for a tree’s picture he had clicked. My thoughts drifted way back to my relationship days, when I pictured myself to¬† being a tree’s girlfriend (Palm tree). I reminisced those days of my life, but quickly let go the past memories. After all I was at work.

During the customary evening strolls along the gulmohar clad lanes near office, I checked my messages and found a rather disturbing message in a college WhatsApp group. It read ” He got admits from University of Berlin and is leaving to Germany tomorrow”. I read, re-read¬† the message. It did not sink in. I perfectly knew my ex-boyfriend was going to Germany way before our relationship had started in October 2015. I thought I could make it work, despite the distance. He had warned me about the “Casual” clause attached to my relationship. I accepted, without second thoughts. And there I sat,¬† between the trees trying to figure out what could have possibly happened.

My fingers reached out to dial his number, he did not receive my call. Luckily a college friend texted confirming his departure was due today. I sent him a message (The sanest thing ever) , wishing him good luck for his endeavors. My heart pined to see him once before he left for a far-away land. My heart ordered me to follow him. I made futile efforts to apply to the same university as him for one semester later. I realized the due date was in three days and there was no way to send across my documents as well as write my letter of motivation. Even if I tried, I would have blindly written :

Letter of Motivation

To find him and re-write my love story..

I called him to wish him luck, to listen to his voice. He rejected my call. My brain set¬†a¬†one on ego button. I stopped calling him. I deleted his number from my mobile account, though I know¬†it will forever remain etched in my heart. My ingenuous heart still believes my story has not ended. I have still not bade my final goodbye. Yet, for now¬†¬†I want to¬†tell him¬†“realize your dreams, soar high! Take me under your wing, maybe..”

 

 

The timely intervention

Timely

After an exhaustive day, I looked at the mirror to check on my skin “status”. Less than a gallon of water a day makes my face sad. Puffiness under my eyes, two zits on my cheek and eyebrow. To top it all my complexion just dropped two scales on the fairness meter. I had no zest to wash my face and moisturize it. My limp body wanted to hit the sack. Thoughts actively established themselves. They were too adamant to leave my side so that I could fall into sleep.
After what seemed like an hour of tossing and turning in bed I sat upright. My past overwhelmed me. What seemed like stress unfolded yet another enemy called regret. I sat with my notebook open, to get relieved of the thoughts lingering in my brain. Tracing back to the nebular days of my relationship. Everything seemed wonderful, I had found the one to whom I could confide anything and everything. I was at peace with myself. I had not initiated a love relationship. I was happy with the friendship he extended.
Within a span of two months I found myself¬†moving in with him. Things moved fast. I did not occlude it. I convinced him to stay with me. We built a love shack. Immense pleasure and happiness adorned it. We lived¬†as a couple,¬†taking an active¬†role in each other’s lives.¬†After a trimester,¬†our¬†paradise hit rocks. His dream got shattered and his friendships started interfering in our relationship. Raising the point was a mistake I made. He wanted to part ways. I held to the relationship and¬†cajoled him to give it¬†another shot.
A year together made us a strong couple. I decided to follow him to his dream destination.  Being a complete failure at his career,  he called off the relationship. I was shattered. I had no life left. If he had not decided to leave me I would be cuddling with him, burying my dreams for his. It was a timely intervention, from the almighty as I like to believe, which changed my course of life. I took notice of the downward spiral I was falling into and held on to my passion to rescue me. Now here I sit, writing this blog, happy that I am doing what I love rather than waiting for someone to get over his obsession with TV series.

With Love…. Brain

Dear Heart,
I know you are having a relationship ‘hangover’. I know you want to burn yourself for no concrete reason. Your self-esteem is being questioned by none other than your self. You seek vengeance for the one year of torment while he poses happily for that picture. His voice still rings in your ears “You have demented my happiness. You always made yourself a priority. I have no feelings for you.” But guess what? This is not true.
You did not make a mistake. You need not be extremely self-critical about yourself. His happiness does not concern you. I know the moment your feed refreshed with that picture, a tiny ventricle connected to your heart got snapped. But it is ok. You deserve better people. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile. You are more fortunate than you think. Think about the times when you woke up and did not complain. the times you supported and stood by him. The times when you stayed without having an apparent reason to do so. You adorned his life with happiness. You learnt to co-exist. You understood how it is not easy to give someone your time.
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If something does not last forever, it does not imply it was not worth it. Your life may not have terminated the way you expected, but nevertheless this new chapter is in no way stale. Your prince charming might have overthrown you for no reason at all. Don’t let trivial things affect your life. Be optimistic. think practical. Don’t let that tear trickle down your cheek. You have the strength to stop it. You are the goddess of strength. Show it. Change is the only constant thing in life. Learn to embrace it. Maybe he happened for a reason, or maybe not.
Don’t keep questioning the universe about it. Sometimes it doesn’t want to answer. Don’t be so clingy.¬†We choose the battles¬†we want to fight. Choose wisely and do not exacerbate it for yourself. I will take care of the decisions. Just don’t daydream. I love you.
Yours,
Brain

Life : The plethora of surprises

Depression is taking a toll on our lives. The once not so common medical condition is posing a threat of an epidemic. Who is to blame? Who knew depression and anxiety would be so pervasive that the number of psychologists required would suddenly boom? Are we failing to find reasons? Or are we turning a blind eye?Letting-Go-of-the-Thoughts-That-Cause-Depression-722x406
Depression is not necessarily a medical condition. It is the strong negative feeling we anchor to and subject our heart to tremulous conditions. The causes of depression in today’s life are simple things like a failure in academics or breakups. Are we addressing these issues? The answer is no. Everybody today wants to run a non-existent race to reach on top. We compete against faceless people. Education has become a game of numbers. A fifteen-year-old is having a failed relationship. People working in MNCs are prone to suicide only because they are unhappy. What are we trying to achieve by losing our mind? An appraisal which is not precious, a guy/girl whom we are not compatible with but bear only because we are too comfortable, marks which are a symbol of pride to boast about to neighbors and relatives; who by the way don’t really care.
I just want to say it is ok. It¬†is ok to retract from a path you took. It¬†is ok to not do what others are doing.¬†There are a gazillion career paths.¬†A construction worker as well a company’s CEO get paid¬†with currency.¬†Maybe you saw a light at the end of your tunnel and the light you saw was nothing but a bunch of fireflies doing their dance. This does not call for suicide or depression¬†and anxiety. This rather indicates that you were brave enough to tread that path and you have the tenacity to find the right tunnel.
Just do not give up. Life is awesome. It has surprises wrapped in fragrant as well as sordid wrappers. Do not be so gullible to judge the surprise by its wrapper.¬†Spread smiles around you. Make people want to come to¬†you and make a conversation.¬†¬†Expect nothing. Enhance your skillset. The universe does not owe you anything. It is definitely not conspiring a way to make you get what you want. Get real.¬†When someone refuses to buy you an Apple iPhone settle for an apple. It’s equally worth it ūüôā

Quarter life crisis

Girl-in-misery-sad-alone-upset-sitting-image-pic-1000x623Nina sat and looked out of the window. She wondered what it was like to not be a software professional. To follow her “passion”. She craved to quit her 9-6 job and enroll in radio jockeying classes. She looked out of the window. It was half past four on a Saturday evening. It was raining and the dewdrops adorned her window pane. She saw four neighborhood dogs loitering aimlessly. They did not have any idea what they were doing; at least to her, it seemed so.

She poured herself her beloved chai and continued to ponder about the possibilities. It seemed like yesterday that she wanted to be a gynecologist. She failed pathetically in the entrance exams because of teenage distractions. She had taken up engineering in the¬† coveted stream of Computer Science. Eight semesters, four years had flown; so had a breakup and a gazillion crushes. A startup, an MNC and again an MNC.¬† Seven months had passed and she did not have any experience on her resume. She had not found “her type” of a job. She wanted to do everything. Her mind wandered from taking up entrance exams for masters to becoming a chef. Courtesy to all the TV shows and movies she had watched.

The clock struck five in the evening.¬†Nina strolled in the backyard wondering what was happening to her life. A twenty-something adult problem which had demented a lot of her peers. She was afraid to take the plunge. She was comfortable in her place. She did not want to check the depth of water with both her legs. This prevented her from using even a single foot. Open lawn, misty skies spoke to her. It was as if they meant to say something. “Why are you misty eyed?” questioned the clouds. “Are we not providing you enough water” croaked the rain. She smiled and remembered something. Everybody she had come across strived to be something better.¬†They made a niche for themselves. Each person had a story. Judgments left them in depression. They pulled themselves together not to succeed in their story but to prove somebody’s judgment as false.

The world was trying to get better. Nobody seemed to be happy. Some were traveling and posting selfies on every networking site, some were buying the most expensive gadgets, some were posting their fittest ever pictures and yet some were entering wedlocks. Comfort zone somehow felt “not so cool”. Stepping out of it was the fad. Looking at the bigger picture constantly meant ignoring the smaller intricate details which needed to be preserved. Nina loved rain and petrichor yet she was oblivious to it. She closed her eyelids, erased the thoughts of tomorrow and took a deep breath. When she saw the world again it seemed like it was refreshed. Her job seemed perfect. The overrated passion(s) stayed where they belonged. Her family awaited her return.

As Nina entered her home, she felt warm. It was the warmth spread by love from her parents. In search of finding herself, she ended up finding where she belonged. She accepted the reality, let go off the high demands from her brain and saw her one-year-old niece wandering aimlessly smiling at everyone she saw. That explained life.

Coffee with Mr.Loneliness

I stood there having nothing to do. Emptiness hovered over me. I cringed to accept the reality. Looking around I realized I was alone. Mr.Loneliness stood by the door smiling at me. I jumped. He told “Hi!” and beamed at me, glory of finding me alone glinting in his eye. I mumbled a feeble “Hello”. He asked me if he could have some coffee with me. I felt a lurch in my stomach. I boldly¬†replied, “Yes, we can”. He sat on my bed, admiring my d√©cor.

I made two cups of coffee. He asked me to sit and I took my seat. He immediately sprang into his story. He went about telling  his encounters with people. He told about a girl who cried and failed to understand the difference between being lonely and being alone. She chided herself for being an introvert. Retreated to her den and allowed nobody to see her. She considered herself ugly and carried a low self esteem everywhere she went.

He told about a young boy, who¬†had been abused,verbally and physically by his father. He dared not to talk about it and spoke only to Mr.Loneliness as he cried to his pillow. After about what seemed like ages his voice faded, Mr. Loneliness looked at me, and whispered “So?”.

I was taken aback. I did not expect this meeting to be a confrontation. I thought I was expected to simply sympathize. Unknowingly words started coming out of my mouth. I told Mr.Loneliness about my deepest fears of being the lonely soul deserted on this planet. About how I expect myself to be an extrovert though deep inside I know I am an ambivert. My secret desires to be happy. He was an excellent listener. Except for the acknowledgment cues, he spoke nothing.

I went on to tell him how much I hated being alone, what type of an attention-seeker I am. I also told him how I did not understand people’s definition of enjoyment. Everybody seemed to think to live by¬†yourself¬†, playing music and doing nothing was happiness, to me, it was a nightmare.

Finally, after my throat had gone all dry because of speaking, Mr.Loneliness looked deep into my eyes and told “You are right. Your perceptions are different from others. Everybody is different, the needs, the brain wiring, the situations under which they have been brought up are all unique. If you think you are an ambivert, be an ambivert, and be proud to be one. Never try to be a person you aren’t. Why to ponder about someone else’s uniqueness when your own uniqueness is a matter of mystery? There must be something you enjoy doing for yourself. Think!”.

I thought hard, I discovered that I loved cooking. I could dance all day croaking songs along with the radio.  I instantly realized that I understand myself better when I am all by myself. I discovered attention from other people does not matter as long as you know to love yourself and pay attention to yourself. I found a new pass time; to reflect myself. I finally discovered that there actually exists a clear boundary between loneliness and being alone. Loneliness dements the happiness out of you while being alone fills you with the inner happiness you foster without your knowledge.

I felt much more confident and raised my eyes up to Mr.Loneliness. Alas, he was gone, to tell my story to some other person suffering from the same bouts of loneliness.