A glimpse of clarity

 

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After a tea break, I return to my office only to find the most awaited mail. I open it eagerly to see whether I received an admit or at least an invite to attend the interview. My application got turned down. Yes, I got “the reject” from one of the most coveted universities in Germany. I don’t understand German, hence I have no idea as to why I got a reject. I delete the mail, to save myself from the emotional repercussions that may occur.

Staring blankly into my laptop I try to reason out everything that happened. I try to find my fault in the whole scenario. After fifteen minutes of a useless over thinking ritual, I decided to watch something to divert my mind. I choose a TED talk. I listen to it impatiently. I am unable to comprehend the words the speaker delivered. She spoke about how it was ok to not have a plan. How it was ok to pursue what you like than tread the conventional path. The song she performed at the beginning of the talk struck a chord in my brain. The tune replayed at the back of my head. I slowly returned to the present, letting my failure sink in, forgiving myself, loving myself. I saw for once, what it actually was.

I realized that the admit was not the most important thing in my life. I did not even want to pursue Masters except for the fact that it let me stay in a foreign land. I wanted to experience it only due to peer pressure. My classmates from college left to pursue masters, my school friends followed suit, I too wanted to leave. I fail to see a purpose of the higher degree. I want to write, I want to dance, I want to bake beautiful cakes. I did not want to be a data scientist at all. I did not want to stay without my parents to learn about life. Maybe I am not stepping out my comfort zone, maybe I end up as a total failure; I don’t care. Because at least now I consciously know what I want.

What I can see vividly is, my future etched by what I chose to do because of my will rather than somebody else’s. I open the trash in my mailbox and retrieve the rejection mail. I want that as a souvenir of my last induced decision. I write back saying a thank you to the department who put the effort to go through my application. I enroll myself into dance class and baking class, and I sit here writing this blog. Sometimes all it takes is a reject to turn your life around. I sincerely hope this is mine 🙂

 

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